The hard days

As a teenager, I have days where I'm more upset than normal. The last 5 days I've felt this. Nothing terribly bad has happened or anything, it's them type of days where you feel that if you drop your pen, you want to break down and cry. 

The problem with me being so stressed, upset and my panic attacks are getting worse, is that I'm pushing everyone away, friends, family, everything. I just feel alone and upset 24/7.

Although I know I have people there, I just want to be alone as well as feeling alone, and it's honestly so hard. 

I wish I could change.

I wish I could think before I speak.

I wish I could be kind to those around me.

I wish I was happy.

On top of all of this, I have my parents at me. The only time they've spoken to me in the past 5 days, are to either have a go at me or ask me to do something for them, and that's annoying. Like, really annoying, and even after doing stuff for them (after they talk to me like rubbish) they tell me I'm selfish and lazy, and instantly, I fight back. I start fighting my battles and sticking up for myself (I never swear at them or insult them in any way, as I think that's wrong), I tell them I'm not selfish, I'm not lazy and I do too much for my age.

I mean, I'm 14 years old and I can't even do my homework because I'm busy doing things for my mum. 

However, even if I'm going through the worst few days, I'm a carer. A Young Carer. I go to groups every week (either on a Wednesday or a Thursday) and although I still sit by myself and keep myself to my myself, I feel comfortable and happy. Even if I'm not saying a word. And going to them groups make me stronger. I sometimes do one on one sessions with a lady (let's call her H) and she gives me advise, and tells me to be strong and believe it will get better, because eventually, I'm sure it will, and I can't wait for it to all be alright again.

I haven't spoken to my parents - properly - for 5 days, I will post when everything is sorted to let you know how long it's been.

My blog is the first place where I feel most comfortable, hence why I posted on here. I honestly don't know if anyone is reading my blog, but if not, I'm not too bothered, because I don't need people to feel sorry for me in order to feel better. I just need to write. But if you are reading my blog, thank you and I love you.

Ayshee

xx